Oct. 11, 1996

Somewhat tired, peaceable between sleep and listlessness
Fire brings languor to visions
Between dangling and dissolving

And your eye, it is there
Your eye will say smoke and the sun
Red and shining skies
Altogether wrapped with time unmoving...

Desert shores at midnight
Lapping waters freely play
Up against our wriggling toes
Set so deep in sand and clay

Under that swallowing night
We went as two babes in love
Into great bouts of passioned embrace
Until the morning's deep red sun

Fire played all night between
Our eyes locked in merciless stare
Pins pricked upon our backs
The chills that coursed
Like wild mares

Never again will another time
See the likes of that hot sleep
Never will these lips of mine
Find a love so dear and sweet

-T.R.A. 1995

Baby Man

Today I went to Baby Connor's school to help out. It was kind of a downer. He was so cute and I loved every minute of being there with him, but my heart hurt as I watched him struggle to understand directions for the most basic tasks. It takes so much effort for him to grasp simple concepts and to cooperate on his own. His teachers are so positive and so encouraging, but it was very hard for me to see how behind he is. The classroom setting really showed me how severe his delay is. The other kids are very delayed too, so he's in good company. And the teachers are literally super-human with magic powers. But still, it was hard. I know I have to accept that he may always be this way and that he may never catch up. But at the end of the day, it doesn't even matter. I'm so in love with him, I'll take whatever I can get. I could handle much bigger health issues and mental disabilities with him if it means I get to have him. I'll take him no matter what.

Old Hag

Friday, at the grocery story, Baby Connor was in a really good mood. And since he doesn't talk, he likes to let out these really loud, shrill, pterodactyl screams when he's stoked. Well, he was stoked on his pretzels in the grocery cart so he let out one of those awesome screams. An old lady in front of me whipped around with her hands tightly protecting her ears and said "Oh my gosh!! You've got to cover their mouths when they do that. That's just AWFUL!"
I politely replied that I didn't know he was going to let out a happy scream and just kept walking. But what I really wanted to say was:
"Hey bag lady, he's retarded. Look at his gorgeous face. He can do whatever the hell he wants, so shut your pie hole."
But I didn't. 'Cause my momma raised me better than that.

Baby Man

This really isn't uncool, but it's baffling and I don't know where to catalogue this information. My severely delayed, handicapped 3 year can't talk. At all. But he can snap his fingers very well, though most other 3 year olds can't. And he can WHISTLE. With his mouth. Whistle. I don't get it.

Itchy

Dear, Cat That I'm Allergic To:

How 'bout every night, you come up and curl into a ball on my face and let me breathe your fur in and out, in and out, into my nostrils?

You can stay. You can live here. We'll be nice and feed you and stuff. But I'm only asking you for one thing; STAY THE FREAK OUT OF MY BED. Can you please just follow this one rule? I'll even scoop your poo, vacuum up your kitty litter that you track all over, clean the gunk out of your eyes, anything. JUST STAY OUT OF MY BED. You make me itch. You make me sneeze. You make my nose run. You make my eyes red. And your purring is loud in the night. It wakes me up. So just STAY OUT OF MY BED.

Thanks in advance for your cooperation. Please comply and we may even give you a name.

Sincerely,
Tired, Cranky Woman Who Threw You Off The Bed Repeatedly

Wish

I wish the nice people who trimmed my rose bushes for me had not cut them so far down. Now, my once full, fragrant rose bushes are about 20 inches tall.

I wish my parents could be on their mission in Africa right now but still sleep here at night.

I wish Krispy Kreme's were sugar/fat/carb free.

I wish Miss Katie wasn't in a bad mood all the time.

I wish Baby Connor had not had 4 clusters of seizures today.

I wish my toenails were painted pretty.

I wish The Unc could get a lunch pass from the MTC so we could go get sushi.

I wish everyone had a job and could sell their house if they wanted to and for how much they needed to.

I wish it was easy for every couple to have a baby.

I wish Bdog hadn't left at 6 a.m. today.

I wish we had the freedom to travel with him so I wouldn't be frazzled and impatient every night wishing he were here to help and be funny with the kids.

This is going to be a long tour, I can feel it. Either someone overestimated my super powers, or I underestimated the toll touring can take on my sanity.

Empty Sea

No words. And this is the only photo I could manage.

"I am a patient boy...I wait, I wait, I wait, I wait. My time is water down a drain"

Goodbye Thomas. I'm so sorry to see you go. And I'm sorry you never found your dream girl...the one we talked about who has a rock solid testimony and would go to the temple with you, but who would also go to a topless beach in Europe with you and have your babies. Please, if by chance I ever have to take an art history test of some sort, will you come whisper the answers in my ear because I most certainly won't have studied. We will always think of you as the 5th Daines boy. But, as the one I could flirt with because it wasn't icky. Thank you for your friendship, the cuddles, and the interesting, competent discussions on rock 'n roll. I love you. Bdog loves you. Everyone loves you.

No, Thank You

Sometimes, when you take your sweet gorgeous baby boy to the neurologist, there are certain words and phrases you never want to hear. Things like "irretractable seizures" and "anomaly" and "permanent damage" and "mental retardation" and "running out of time" and "I don't know". It is enough to make one sink into a funk that cannot be dissipated.

Don't Judge

I am having a hard time coming to grips with something. I think the only way I can deal is to write about it. Sat. night we finally opened one of the shiny new beauties we got last week and listen to it in the car. It is sooooo fantastic. I cried tears. It's that good. Then we got to track 6...one of my most favorite songs in the world ever. Now, I knew about the less than savory word used in it, but EVERY COPY of Habits was supposed to be EDITED. Every. Copy. Well, these first 100,000 are not. The next pressing is likely months away, so, in the mean time you must be warned. I cannot let my fellow Molly Mormons go buy it knowing that they'll be mortified if they listen to track 6 in the car with their kids. It's a big deal to me. Yes, I know, I'm uptight and prudish.

So, after listening to it in the car Sat. night, we attended the premiere of Under Great White Northern Lights. I was in the most sour mood ever. I was on the verge of tears. I wasn't allowed to talk about my disappointment with Branden because it was stressing him out and ruining "date night". He is also very stressed about the sitch. It's a ding to his rep.

As we sat watching Jack and Meg on the big screen, I remembered how very, very much I love rock 'n roll. And how it's a HUGE part of who I am. And how when Bdog had long hair he sometimes looked like Jack and it was hot. And how the music I've listened to all my life defines so much of me. And how this is Branden's career that we've worked so hard for. And that the eff-bomb is just one word.

Then I thought about all the musicians I love and respect in my life. The ones that I look up to & that influence me. I literally had this monologue running in my head while watching:

"Man, I really love rock 'n roll...Man, why am I so bent out of shape about this? I've love so many bands that have songs like this. And I turned out o.k. Right? Neil Young...even The Jam drops an eff-bomb and they're like, my most favorite band EVER! What about Lucinda Williams? Dad loves her. And The Mother Hips? Radiohead? Ryan Adams? Beck? O.K. So, it happens. It's not the end of the world. I'm not gonna die."

Yes, this is what was going through my mind. Then I decided to just warn the world and let it be. I listen to music that has words in it sometimes and I'm o.k. Even in my formative years, it didn't mess me up. The world will keep spinning. And there is so much music in the world to love. Even track 6. And there are not enough Neon Trees songs in the world for me to love and listen to.

Ghosty

Sometimes, when you temporarily have a pet cat and you forget that you have said cat, and the cat pushes open your bedroom door in the night while you are dead asleep, and you hear the door screech a blood curdling squeak, and the cat jumps on your bed right where your head is, it can be a life-threatening startle.

UnHeart

What is up with the new Necco candy Valentine hearts? Yuck. Yuck. Yuck. And where are the chalky, candy cigarette flavored white ones?