Oct. 11, 1996

My Healing Priestess

How much better it is to remain in your loving care
To be succored and nourished into healthy contribution
Than to sever myself from the radiance of your presence
To suffer a dim, grey, shadowy existence

You are the source of my sun and joy
Your wellspring of love for me is beyond my ability to comprehend
I am but an undeserving fool, fit for the gallows

I am astonished and smitten in the wake of your caring
How I sink into miserable depths of dreariness without you
And still I make speedy retrogression back into that dark mindedness

You are my Saviour on Mount Zion
And have proven time and time again
That you will always love me despite myself

I am learning from you
Slowly I am evolving
I know without charity I am nothing
I love you for choosing to be my teacher
I love you

-T.R.A. Dec. 1995

{Trevor's other writings, which I dare say are even more tender, are here and here and here}

Oct. 11, 1996

Somewhat tired, peaceable between sleep and listlessness
Fire brings languor to visions
Between dangling and dissolving

And your eye, it is there
Your eye will say smoke and the sun
Red and shining skies
Altogether wrapped with time unmoving...

Desert shores at midnight
Lapping waters freely play
Up against our wriggling toes
Set so deep in sand and clay

Under that swallowing night
We went as two babes in love
Into great bouts of passioned embrace
Until the morning's deep red sun

Fire played all night between
Our eyes locked in merciless stare
Pins pricked upon our backs
The chills that coursed
Like wild mares

Never again will another time
See the likes of that hot sleep
Never will these lips of mine
Find a love so dear and sweet

-T.R.A. 1995

Oct. 11, 1996

Would to God to discover the reality
As compared only to the things you're telling me
To find but how much the truth is padded
To be ignited, fiery by the discrepancy

Too much pain there is in being
Oblivious to your reality
Not believing your answers to my prodding
To be a full disclosure

To sit upright in a chair
Suspended above your head
To observe your life in secret
As do angels and devils

Would to God to know what you are doing
Would to God to know who you are with
Would to God to hear the conversation
To be the one that you kiss

Invisible chair, come let me sit
Above her soul, observant, obsessed

There's the pain of troubled wondering
Not knowing anything you do
A painful consciousness of my failure
To be meshed in the webs of your cocoon

Silent seated, only watching
The colors of your life
Splash rhythmically into my face
Stun with beauty
Burn with light

Invisible chair, telescope, astral seat, crystal ball,
hidden window, looking glass, peeping tom,
All for the mystery of an angel

Invisible chair, this as air
Secreted above in ether stare
Down into your life unfold
Watch the play, the girl untold

Jealous fits, despairing flights
As I watch both day and night
So pained to see you reveling
You full in force, and not with me
-T.R.A. 1996

Oct. 11, 1996

Shaken awake out of a deep slumber
Eyes open to an old world made new
Poised to plunge now
Into life's rich colors
To lick up life's sweet pearls as dew

Sometimes we fall into the error
Of closing our eyes to friends
Of closing our hearts to precious help
Which their arm readily extends

Sometimes we become the source of
numbing sorrow, stinging pain
To the ones who are most precious
But in all of our wretched self-centeredness
We continue to inflict this torture
Perhaps in ignorance
Perhaps with ill intent

But this hardness we have perpetuated
Forcing all to down bitter pills
In the end will only fall back
Into our own belly to the brim to fill

Hard words crowded into my mind
Then spewed out my mouth
Spilled into the air
And stabbed out her heart

Desolate love only managed then
To grace this skeletal soul
From a once brimming cup
of passion and care
From the one, my only lighted abode

Forthwith then she left me
To my own black hearted affairs
To work my poison devices
To drink this black souled despair

Yet in her hasty leaving
My stained mind sat in blink
And raged and raged against itself
Against its fetid stink

I'm facing up now to the reflection
Cast by my shadowy soul
This grim dissatisfaction now seized
With a new determined fledgling hope - T.R.A. 1996