Oct. 11, 1996

My Healing Priestess

How much better it is to remain in your loving care
To be succored and nourished into healthy contribution
Than to sever myself from the radiance of your presence
To suffer a dim, grey, shadowy existence

You are the source of my sun and joy
Your wellspring of love for me is beyond my ability to comprehend
I am but an undeserving fool, fit for the gallows

I am astonished and smitten in the wake of your caring
How I sink into miserable depths of dreariness without you
And still I make speedy retrogression back into that dark mindedness

You are my Saviour on Mount Zion
And have proven time and time again
That you will always love me despite myself

I am learning from you
Slowly I am evolving
I know without charity I am nothing
I love you for choosing to be my teacher
I love you

-T.R.A. Dec. 1995

{Trevor's other writings, which I dare say are even more tender, are here and here and here}

Oh. Em. Jee.

I am feeling very negative and frustrated today. Josh Powell...omigosh what a disaster. Today was delivery day for my big new fluffy couch for the basement. So when I moved the old couch to vacuum, I found some mold on the baseboards. MOLD! It's like the kiss of death. I can't even believe it. Then they came with the new couch. And it WILL NOT fit through the basement door and down the stairs. Now I have to have it custom built in 3 pieces instead of 2. More time to wait. More money to spend. Soooooooooo bummed.

I guess we'll wait on that trip to Mexico. New carpet and baseboards trump vacay.

Also, I'm still not over Seal and Heidi splitting. Now Will and Jada? So sad! ;)

Dreams

Last night in my dream, I was seriously dating a very old, very sick and dying man. We loved each other very much. And I called him "daddy". We lived together. I took care of him and doted on him. I loved his kids and they loved me. We were serious. And he was Gordon B. Hinckley.

American Airlines = Poo

Worst travel day ever. 2 flight delays, 2 go to a new gate after it's time to board, rechecked luggage and went thru secrurity THREE times, an AIRPORT change, 2 random body searches including boob cupping, got home 4 hours later than scheduled, and got stuck in the far away, long term parking lot cause I didn't have money to pay. I went to get the car that was dropped off for us while Bdog waited inside for our bags, which included my wallet. So I had to repark the car, wait for the shuttle, go back to the airport, get money, ride the shuttle back and then bring the car around. I think Bdog waited 40 minutes for a car that was already at the airport. I am sooooo glad to be home. We missed our babies so much, we're keeping them both home from school today :)

Oct. 11, 1996

Somewhat tired, peaceable between sleep and listlessness
Fire brings languor to visions
Between dangling and dissolving

And your eye, it is there
Your eye will say smoke and the sun
Red and shining skies
Altogether wrapped with time unmoving...

Desert shores at midnight
Lapping waters freely play
Up against our wriggling toes
Set so deep in sand and clay

Under that swallowing night
We went as two babes in love
Into great bouts of passioned embrace
Until the morning's deep red sun

Fire played all night between
Our eyes locked in merciless stare
Pins pricked upon our backs
The chills that coursed
Like wild mares

Never again will another time
See the likes of that hot sleep
Never will these lips of mine
Find a love so dear and sweet

-T.R.A. 1995

Baby Man

Today I went to Baby Connor's school to help out. It was kind of a downer. He was so cute and I loved every minute of being there with him, but my heart hurt as I watched him struggle to understand directions for the most basic tasks. It takes so much effort for him to grasp simple concepts and to cooperate on his own. His teachers are so positive and so encouraging, but it was very hard for me to see how behind he is. The classroom setting really showed me how severe his delay is. The other kids are very delayed too, so he's in good company. And the teachers are literally super-human with magic powers. But still, it was hard. I know I have to accept that he may always be this way and that he may never catch up. But at the end of the day, it doesn't even matter. I'm so in love with him, I'll take whatever I can get. I could handle much bigger health issues and mental disabilities with him if it means I get to have him. I'll take him no matter what.

Old Hag

Friday, at the grocery story, Baby Connor was in a really good mood. And since he doesn't talk, he likes to let out these really loud, shrill, pterodactyl screams when he's stoked. Well, he was stoked on his pretzels in the grocery cart so he let out one of those awesome screams. An old lady in front of me whipped around with her hands tightly protecting her ears and said "Oh my gosh!! You've got to cover their mouths when they do that. That's just AWFUL!"
I politely replied that I didn't know he was going to let out a happy scream and just kept walking. But what I really wanted to say was:
"Hey bag lady, he's retarded. Look at his gorgeous face. He can do whatever the hell he wants, so shut your pie hole."
But I didn't. 'Cause my momma raised me better than that.

Baby Man

This really isn't uncool, but it's baffling and I don't know where to catalogue this information. My severely delayed, handicapped 3 year can't talk. At all. But he can snap his fingers very well, though most other 3 year olds can't. And he can WHISTLE. With his mouth. Whistle. I don't get it.

Itchy

Dear, Cat That I'm Allergic To:

How 'bout every night, you come up and curl into a ball on my face and let me breathe your fur in and out, in and out, into my nostrils?

You can stay. You can live here. We'll be nice and feed you and stuff. But I'm only asking you for one thing; STAY THE FREAK OUT OF MY BED. Can you please just follow this one rule? I'll even scoop your poo, vacuum up your kitty litter that you track all over, clean the gunk out of your eyes, anything. JUST STAY OUT OF MY BED. You make me itch. You make me sneeze. You make my nose run. You make my eyes red. And your purring is loud in the night. It wakes me up. So just STAY OUT OF MY BED.

Thanks in advance for your cooperation. Please comply and we may even give you a name.

Sincerely,
Tired, Cranky Woman Who Threw You Off The Bed Repeatedly

Wish

I wish the nice people who trimmed my rose bushes for me had not cut them so far down. Now, my once full, fragrant rose bushes are about 20 inches tall.

I wish my parents could be on their mission in Africa right now but still sleep here at night.

I wish Krispy Kreme's were sugar/fat/carb free.

I wish Miss Katie wasn't in a bad mood all the time.

I wish Baby Connor had not had 4 clusters of seizures today.

I wish my toenails were painted pretty.

I wish The Unc could get a lunch pass from the MTC so we could go get sushi.

I wish everyone had a job and could sell their house if they wanted to and for how much they needed to.

I wish it was easy for every couple to have a baby.

I wish Bdog hadn't left at 6 a.m. today.

I wish we had the freedom to travel with him so I wouldn't be frazzled and impatient every night wishing he were here to help and be funny with the kids.

This is going to be a long tour, I can feel it. Either someone overestimated my super powers, or I underestimated the toll touring can take on my sanity.

Empty Sea

No words. And this is the only photo I could manage.

"I am a patient boy...I wait, I wait, I wait, I wait. My time is water down a drain"

Goodbye Thomas. I'm so sorry to see you go. And I'm sorry you never found your dream girl...the one we talked about who has a rock solid testimony and would go to the temple with you, but who would also go to a topless beach in Europe with you and have your babies. Please, if by chance I ever have to take an art history test of some sort, will you come whisper the answers in my ear because I most certainly won't have studied. We will always think of you as the 5th Daines boy. But, as the one I could flirt with because it wasn't icky. Thank you for your friendship, the cuddles, and the interesting, competent discussions on rock 'n roll. I love you. Bdog loves you. Everyone loves you.

No, Thank You

Sometimes, when you take your sweet gorgeous baby boy to the neurologist, there are certain words and phrases you never want to hear. Things like "irretractable seizures" and "anomaly" and "permanent damage" and "mental retardation" and "running out of time" and "I don't know". It is enough to make one sink into a funk that cannot be dissipated.

Don't Judge

I am having a hard time coming to grips with something. I think the only way I can deal is to write about it. Sat. night we finally opened one of the shiny new beauties we got last week and listen to it in the car. It is sooooo fantastic. I cried tears. It's that good. Then we got to track 6...one of my most favorite songs in the world ever. Now, I knew about the less than savory word used in it, but EVERY COPY of Habits was supposed to be EDITED. Every. Copy. Well, these first 100,000 are not. The next pressing is likely months away, so, in the mean time you must be warned. I cannot let my fellow Molly Mormons go buy it knowing that they'll be mortified if they listen to track 6 in the car with their kids. It's a big deal to me. Yes, I know, I'm uptight and prudish.

So, after listening to it in the car Sat. night, we attended the premiere of Under Great White Northern Lights. I was in the most sour mood ever. I was on the verge of tears. I wasn't allowed to talk about my disappointment with Branden because it was stressing him out and ruining "date night". He is also very stressed about the sitch. It's a ding to his rep.

As we sat watching Jack and Meg on the big screen, I remembered how very, very much I love rock 'n roll. And how it's a HUGE part of who I am. And how when Bdog had long hair he sometimes looked like Jack and it was hot. And how the music I've listened to all my life defines so much of me. And how this is Branden's career that we've worked so hard for. And that the eff-bomb is just one word.

Then I thought about all the musicians I love and respect in my life. The ones that I look up to & that influence me. I literally had this monologue running in my head while watching:

"Man, I really love rock 'n roll...Man, why am I so bent out of shape about this? I've love so many bands that have songs like this. And I turned out o.k. Right? Neil Young...even The Jam drops an eff-bomb and they're like, my most favorite band EVER! What about Lucinda Williams? Dad loves her. And The Mother Hips? Radiohead? Ryan Adams? Beck? O.K. So, it happens. It's not the end of the world. I'm not gonna die."

Yes, this is what was going through my mind. Then I decided to just warn the world and let it be. I listen to music that has words in it sometimes and I'm o.k. Even in my formative years, it didn't mess me up. The world will keep spinning. And there is so much music in the world to love. Even track 6. And there are not enough Neon Trees songs in the world for me to love and listen to.

Ghosty

Sometimes, when you temporarily have a pet cat and you forget that you have said cat, and the cat pushes open your bedroom door in the night while you are dead asleep, and you hear the door screech a blood curdling squeak, and the cat jumps on your bed right where your head is, it can be a life-threatening startle.

UnHeart

What is up with the new Necco candy Valentine hearts? Yuck. Yuck. Yuck. And where are the chalky, candy cigarette flavored white ones?

Auld Lang Syne

Only 28 more hours left of the year that:

Epilepsy entered our lives

We were both basically unemployed

Baby Connor had 3 hospital stays

Dear friends forgot who they really are and what is most important

A long anticipated "release date" was pushed to next year

Credit scores were seriously damaged

We became experts on the Ketogenic Diet and clustered tonic spasms

Friends' marriages and hearts were broken

20 lbs were gained

The power, phone and internet were turned off numerous times

The return of the Jello Pudding Pop was a horrible disappointment

Goodbye and good riddance, 2009.

I will not look back on you fondly.

Yuck

I don't know if there's any sound in this whole world worse than the sound of dental floss coming out of the container/package. It makes we weak in the knees and nauseated. Which happened last night, and I have a really bad cold so the chills the sound gave me literally HURT. It was PAINFUL. And I'm sore. Because of dental floss.

Seriously?

Oct. 11, 1996

Would to God to discover the reality
As compared only to the things you're telling me
To find but how much the truth is padded
To be ignited, fiery by the discrepancy

Too much pain there is in being
Oblivious to your reality
Not believing your answers to my prodding
To be a full disclosure

To sit upright in a chair
Suspended above your head
To observe your life in secret
As do angels and devils

Would to God to know what you are doing
Would to God to know who you are with
Would to God to hear the conversation
To be the one that you kiss

Invisible chair, come let me sit
Above her soul, observant, obsessed

There's the pain of troubled wondering
Not knowing anything you do
A painful consciousness of my failure
To be meshed in the webs of your cocoon

Silent seated, only watching
The colors of your life
Splash rhythmically into my face
Stun with beauty
Burn with light

Invisible chair, telescope, astral seat, crystal ball,
hidden window, looking glass, peeping tom,
All for the mystery of an angel

Invisible chair, this as air
Secreted above in ether stare
Down into your life unfold
Watch the play, the girl untold

Jealous fits, despairing flights
As I watch both day and night
So pained to see you reveling
You full in force, and not with me
-T.R.A. 1996

The Book Store

Today I went to the book store. As I was squatting and bending in the children's section looking for beginning readers level 2 books on the bottom shelf, I sneezed. And while I sneezed, I peed my pants. And not just a tiny, tiny bit. It was super uncool.

Room Mom

Oh Heavens. I just got a message from someone at the PTA letting me know that my room mom info social is tomorrow at 3:00. I didn't even sign up to be room mom!!!! ARGH. I was room mom last year. And it was fine. Not really a big deal. But that was KINDERGARTEN!! We're talking FIRST GRADE here people! Much more work indeed. And I was ready for a year off.

When I glanced the room mom sign up sheet on parent's night, there were NO NAMES. None. I knew they'd be scrambling for people. Maybe because I signed up on every other sheet there that night, they figured I missed one? Seriously. Wth?

Should I just do it? Or tell them how it is?

Letter to Anonymous Hairy Man

Dear Man at Discount Grocery Store:

I've been meaning to tell you, how horrible and awkward you made the air at the checkout stand at unnamed grocery store. When you yell at and demean your kids in public and in front of strangers, you really make yourself look bad. I just wonder what it's like behind closed doors if you feel that comfortable talking to them like that in front of other people. And when your son asked you to buy him gum and said "But dad, you owe me", you responded with "I don't owe you nothin". Well, you're wrong. You owe your children many things. You owe it to them to love them and treat them kindly. You owe them support and security and a happy home. You owe them a nice father and mother who teach them how to be kind, generous, smart and successful in life. How's it going with that?

And p.s. When you forced that checker to exchange your Sunkist soda for Shasta, you totally lost 'cause the Sunkist cost more. So you're out some change. Just wanted to rub that in your face. Now stop yelling at your kids so much.

Michael Jackson

Goodbye Michael. We are sad that you're gone, though we feel we let you go and said our goodbyes many, many years ago. While you were still this person:

1958-2009

No Good News

Clustered tonic spasms. Totally uncool.

Past Transgression

Once, when I was in high school, I was asked to play a piano piece at church. So, being the dirty hippie that I was, I chose "Songbird" by Fleetwood Mac. Playing a non-hymn/classical piece in a Mormon sacrament service is a HUGE no-no. I can't believe I did that.

Missed Opportunity

Yesterday I got a phone call from Hamburg Germany. It was The Nooch. He's there on tour right now, and was asked by NME Magazine to suggest a photographer to cover a Glasvegas show in Las Vegas tonight. He asked me if I wanted the gig. Or course I do. But, I am not in Vegas today and can't get there by tonight. I'm so bummed.

Crusty Feet

I am an avid flip-flop wearer. I really hate socks so I'm always anxious for spring so I can bust them out. Since we've finally broken the 60 degree mark here, I'm sporting them often. I've noticed that for some reason now, when I'm walking farther than a block in the flops, the tops of my feet start to cramp up. It's really weird and has never happened before. So, yesterday on our river trail walk to the park, I had to take my flippity-flips off and go barefoot for a while. The asphalt of the trail actually felt great under my feet and kinda gave me a massage. I knew I looked super homeless but just had to let it go. My feet got all black and crusty. I totally felt like Elin (love you!). What's with the cramping?

So, it's great to walk along the river so when your feet get black you can stick them into the headache-inducing, frigid glacier water of the stream. It cleans them right up. But what's with the cramping?

Park People

I witnessed something amazing today. I was at the magnificent 3-story park with Katie + 3 friends (this is the same park where "ghetto vest" went down). There was only one other group there. It was a mother and her 4 daughters. The mom was holding a big box of Capri Suns and was on her phone from the time I got there, which is no big deal. However, 40 minutes later, and still on the phone, her youngest who looked about 3-ish, totally hurt herself on the monkey bars. She slipped and the bar hit her in the crotch so hard, the entire play structure reverberated. She was screaming, which made the mom look up, but she didn't even hang up, say "hold on", or walk over to her child. She waited for her little girl to limp over to her and she held her while she continued talking. And guess what she was talking about that was so important. Go on, guess....HER PERIOD! Which was totally surprising 'cause she looked old enough to be menopausal.

We walked to the other side of the park where the swings are, and found all their Capri Sun pouches on the grass. Nice.

Ghetto Vest

Last night at 10:30 Katie informed me that she left her favorite sweatshirt at the park yesterday. We had to go back there this morning in the torrential rain and look for it at the top of the three story play structure. The wind was howling and blowing our umbrellas away while we hiked the squishy, grassy hills. I totally slipped on the way down and landed hard on my back and slid. It super sucked. And I was soaked to the bone.

The sweatshirt wasn't where she left it, so we hiked back up the hill and over to the swings. (This is a MASSIVE park, and all the way east up onto the side of the mountain. You can see all of UT County from the 3rd floor of the play structure. It's awesome). It also wasn't at the swings, so we started the trek back to the car. Katie saw something down another hill in the distance and thought it might be her sweatshirt. I told her I was sure it was just some trash but she insisted. I hiked down that hill as well, and low and behold, it was her sweatshirt. Unfortunately, someone had RIPPED THE SLEEVES OFF!! I turned around to tell her she was right, she was totally proud of herself...then I gave her the bad news about the sleeves. He face literally fell, then she turned around and marched back to the car, sobbing the whole way. She was so distraught that someone would do that to her "favorite, special sweatshirt". She won't let me throw it out for some reason. I think she wants to hold on to it as a memento of the world's injustice.