Bat holes

Here is our most amazing story to date from our little CA paradise. The first day we got there, I noticed quite a bit of rodent droppings on the front porch. I didn't think that was weird since we are out in the "country" with vineyards and orchards and no one had been living in the house for a couple months. So, the next morning I decided to spray off the porch and get things cleaned up a bit.

Next morning, more poo. Lots of it. I had to figure out where it was coming from. I noticed that some of it was actually stuck to the wall, above the window where the walls meet the eaves. So, I began spraying up there. There's about a 1/4 in. opening between the walls and the eaves, so I sprayed some water in there too.

All of the sudden, big, long, furry legs start creeping out of the 1/4 in. crack. I thought they were tarantulas. But then, they started making an unearthly noise and flying toward my head. THEY WERE BATS!!!! I can't even explain the panic that came through me. I dropped the hose, went booking it around to the other side of the house, all the while screaming horrible expletives, and found Branden. I literally ran to him, pulled on his Tshirt and stuck my head under it. While he's wearing it. I totally lost my marbles.

He took me inside then he and Katie went on the porch and enjoyed the site of tons of bats flying out going nuts. They loved it. Meanwhile, I was LITERALLY hyper-ventilating in the house and having a full-on panic attack. I would not come out of the house for a good 3 hours and just couldn't calm down. I even actually said, "If there's alcohol in this house, I'm having some."

Well, the bats didn't come back. I think we destroyed their home for good. The best part of all is when Branden talked to Phil (his cousin's husband...they own the house) he told him, "Dude, you've got a bat infestation." And Phil replied, "Oh! You met the bats! We love them so much. Every night we sit on the grass at dusk and watch them come out. It's our nightly ritual."

Bano-no Boat

Anyone who knows me, knows I'm a total psycho about sun protection. I've been called 'the sunscreen nazi' on numerous occasions. Yesterday I decided to give Banana Boat baby sunscreen a try since it's supposed to be 'as gentle to your eyes as water'. Well, my eyes felt fine while I swam in the ocean, no sunscreen sting....but the sun protection is total CRAP! I totally got burned. And so did my daughter and my little brother. We reapplied 3 times in the course of a couple hours, and we all got fried. And I've heard now from 2 other people that the same thing happened to them using Banana Boat. What the freak. We're totally taking it back.

Top Ten

Here are the top 10 uncool things from the last couple weeks:

10. Psycho drivers that almost kill you, then give you the bird out their window.
9. Realtors who leave houses unlocked when they leave.
8. Giant spiders that look like scorpions and tarantulas mixed.
7. Lost binkies at the beach when it's nap time.
6. Gas prices.
5. Waking up ready to pick incredible, ripe plums only to find them blown all over the ground and eaten by critters.
4. Neighbor's dogs who bark all night incessantly.
3. Slipping on the wet, tile bathroom floor while trying to save your baby who just slipped on said bathroom floor only to fall into him and kick him 5 more feet across the wet bathroom floor and watch him hit the wall.
2. Bruises on your hand, bum and ribs from wet bathroom floor fiasco.
1. Not having INTERNET ACCESS! Thought I might love it, but can't live without it. It's just not the same as no T.V. or phone. Not having those is lovely.

Time

I haven't had time to post in over a week. Totally uncool. Gotta get back in the car now.

Today

The vacuum broke.

There's a 12 in. crack in my windshield.

Someone's photo order was royally messed up/slowed down.

I need a Nikon flash before Sunday.

I have a busy day hangover.

Broke a glass.

Got a cold sore.

Got some overdue bills.

....On a good note...I found my missing box of 250 business cards. Didn't want to lose those lovely, letter-pressed little works of art. But then again...on a bad note...I was thinkin' about cancelling the land-line and just using the cell (that's one of the said overdue bills), but I realized the land-line is printed on the 250 lovely, letter-pressed little works of art. What's a gal to do?

More Lame Moms

Yesterday we went swimming at our little clubhouse pool. There was a grandpa there that lives in our gate, with his 8 grand kids. Sometimes, all these grand kids can get really annoying...like last night when I saw a 9 yr. oldish girl TOTALLY blow her nose into the pool....but that's not what I'm writing about today.

One of the grand kids at the pool was a little fairy princess aged girl. I'd say she was about 3. Probably a year or so younger than Katie. She had on a too-big swim suit which showed tons of her skin and I could see her MASSIVE racer-back swimsuit shaped SUNBURN. From her shoulders to her neck, I could see grey & brown peeling skin exposing that bright red tender flesh underneath. The peeling areas were DEEP and her skin was still bright red along her arms and legs. All I want to know was, HOW DID HER MOTHER LET THAT HAPPEN? When she got burned, she was clearly in a swimsuit which means she was in a swimming situation. Where was the sunscreen? This little girl was fair with white-blond hair. I seriously felt a wave of nausea come over me when I saw her burns close-up. Could that be considered abuse/neglect? Maybe the dad was in charge when that happened.

Phone

"No phone, no phone. I just want to be alone today. No phone, no phone."

Here is something that really bothers me: awkward phone conversations. I've found that there are usually two reasons I think a phone conversation is awkward.

1) People call me all the time and unsuccessfully try to shoot the breeze with me when really they're calling for a specific reason. Usually a favor, and that's fine. I have no issues with a call starting with "Hey, hi..how's it going? So, I totally need a favor." For those of you who do that, I applaud you.

2) Some people are just awkward on the phone, thus, an awkward phone conversation ensues. I recently talked in length about this very phenomenon with JUSTIN. We talked about this for a very long time and I was pleased with how long the conversation flowed and how it remained interesting. This was a good example of a non-awkward phone conversation. I love chit-chatting on the phone when time allows, and not all phone calls need a reason, but sometimes people are just bad at the chit-chat and should simply take care of business.

K. Talk to you later. Bye.

Rad Email

Though this is a totally awesome email, I'm putting it on "The UnCool" since the subject line said "What's not cool". It's from the lovely Alycia P.

"Woman,What is not cool is the fact that it is the 10th and you have not blogged since the 4th- get the lead out- I need a laugh!"

I love it.

They

It is totally uncool that "they" don't make the following items anymore:

1. Jello Pudding Pops
2. Almay Gel Mascara
3. Carnation Breakfast Bars
4. Lip Lickers (in the tin)
5. Clorox Fresh Fabric Spray
6. Lenito's Rolled Tacos
7. Vegas Chips
8. New Arrested Development Episodes

....hmm...what else have I missed??

No News

All the Neon Trees news info I posted was wrong. That's lame. Sorry, Internet. And thanks for the inaccurate info, TYLER!

www.lame.com

Oh Internet, what is your problem? Every time I sit down to get online, I have to unplug and replug the modem multiple times until I get all the right flashing green lights. Get a life, Internet!

When will it end?

Here are a few highlights from the last 24 hrs:

-Changing the sheets twice because of projectile vomit.
-Returning home to find a completely destroyed, moldy dresser as a result of a leaky humidifier.
-Killing a 2 inch brown spider on my bedroom ceiling.
-Baby boy sleeping, at max, 1.5 hrs. at a time.
-Finding a flood underneath the bathroom sink...yet another leak.
-Contracting said baby boy's diarrhea.

Too much fun for one mom.

Heading Out

Now I'm going to drive 6 hours alone with my kids. And baby has a stomach virus with major vomiting and diarrhea. So much fun.

UnCool

Leaving my boyfriend and leaving sunny CA.

Jiffy Goob

I just went to get an oil change in my car so I could make the trek to CA to see Bdog today. The boy at the Jiffy Lube in Highland was super lame. He literally tried to talk me out of dropping my car off 'cause there was a 30 min. wait. I assured him it was fine because I had some errands to run across the street and had the time. So, he further tried to discourage me by saying I'd probably be back before they even got to my car (there was only one car ahead of me b.t.w.). I couldn't understand why he totally wanted me to leave. It was rude and frustrating since I had to have it done TODAY. So I left it there, and it was ready when I got back. Do they not want customers so they can hang out and play video games or something? So uncool.

Sad & Lonely

Here are the mates to all the earrings I've lost in just the last few months. I don't know why I have such bad earring Karma. It's very depressing. I love and miss them dearly.

The Red Pony

I picked this book up last month while I was shopping for used fabric at D.I. It was only $0.25. I'm not sure why I felt like reading it, just thought I'd further explore fiction after my Twilight stint. I know John Steinbeck is like, one of America's great authors, but this book just sucked donkeys. I guess I can say it was well written, but the plot just made me wish I had spent those two hours watching American Idol...something I've NEVER watched in my life.

Not only was I waiting the whole time for some poignant, climactic moment, but I didn't even realize when the book had ENDED!! The story moved on to the dead horse and some lemonade, which I was SURE could not have been the ending. So, I kept reading. Right into Junius Maltby which was included after The Red Pony. I didn't even realize it was an entirely new story. Which by the way, was equally dismal and infuriating. OMG! Has anyone read Junius Maltby??? Perhaps it was because I had just recently re-read Siddhartha and Into the Wild for the umpteenth time, but I really needed a happy ending. Though after Junius, I felt so pleased that my husband is pursuing his career in music. Despite the sacrifice.

More poop complaints...

On Tuesday night, our family visited two very holy places....Temple Square and Bombay House. While at Bombay, I had to use the changing table in the ladies room to change baby Connor's diaper. For some reason, the changing table was installed DIRECTLY above the big toilet in the large stall. This meant I had to completely straddle the toilet to reach my baby and change him. Oddly, the big tile wall on the north side of this stall is totally bare. Nothing on it, and nothing in front of it. A perfect place for a changing station. My pant legs were touching the yukky part of the loo all the while. I'm still so baffled and so grossed out.

Uncool

Baby poop on your clean sheets.

Wallpaper

Here's what was on our kitchen walls when we moved in. Taking this down was both the most enjoyable and miserable experience. To see our kitchen walls now, click HERE.

Lame moms

The rule at preschool drop-off is this: You are to walk your child up the drive, down the path and around to the back, where you are to take them through the door and deliver them to the teacher. This rule was explained to each parent on the first day of school and sent home on the page of written rules. Yet, every day I see at least 2 moms kicking their kid at the curb and sending them in alone. I know this isn't the biggest deal, but it really, really bugs me. And I'm totally judging those moms now.

Bummed

I just found out my favorite lotion in the whole wide world, Aveeno Daily Firming Moisturizer, has BHT in it. BHT!! Why on earth???

Lame linguists

Every year a team of linguists chooses new words to admit into the dictionary. These didn't make it. So uncool.....Crench and phib are my phavorite, 'cause I do them a lot.

sampleton-the person in the picture that comes with a wallet
fruttle-clown feces
ploof-to lose a contact lens in a urinal
crench-to lean against the sink and get your crotch wet
phib-to claim you're awake when someboby calls, even though you've been sleeping
deodritus-the last remaining flakes of deodorant scraped onto your armpit
leonamania-a morbid obsession with Ponce de Leon
pleln-the area between your arm and front yard

Iceberg

On the way home from the movies Thursday, we made one of the biggest mistakes of our lives. We stopped at the Iceberg off the Thanksgiving Point exit. We only ordered something small, which they got wrong, and it was totally grody. But besides the yuck food, the place was the dirtiest dump we've ever seen. The tables literally had a film of grease on them. I tried to wipe ours off, and the napkin turned black. The weirdest thing was, there were TONS of people there. They must have all been first-time customers. No normal person would ever go twice, would they?